Swimming With The Dugongs

Warning: this post may cause offense for those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle with their weight. I am sympathetic, but I couldn't resist poking a bit of fun at these people. If you find this offensive, I apologise. I actually have a lot of admiration for these women because at least they are trying to do something.

Right, from the outset I need to say that I won't be winning any awards for this title as it isn't PC at all. Sorry for that, to be honest I was originally going to call it 'Swimming with the Sharks' but I've already used that title once befre, and also, to be fair, dugong is a much more accurate description - and no, I don't mean just because of their size, but because they are just SO SLOW. As are the people I'm about to describe.

But first, I need to give you a bit of background. And actually, this is a bit related to the dugong too - in relation to me. See, since Christmas I have somewhat seriously struggled with my weight. You know how it goes, a few extra kilos go on at Christmas, and usually by early January I manage to offload a few of these. Not this year, however, for many reasons too involved to go into here. Suffice to say I have been somewhat unhappy about all this, so I decided to bite the bullet and head off down to Westcroft for a bit of a swim sesh, in the hopes that this extra baggage might be relegated to the junk pile. Therefore, having checked the swim times, I was delighted to discover a "women's only" session on Sunday night at 6pm. So off I trot, togs in hand, ready for a bit of a workout.

The first workout was with the door to the locker. Westcroft has gone down a lot since I last used it, and they don't seem to have had any regular maintenance on their lockers in the swim area for some time. I had terrible trouble actually finding one that would stay closed, and then when I did, the stupid thing wouldn't open again! Then, when I went to get changed, I was hard pressed to find a door with a lock! I have to say I couldn't, so I had to get changed whilst doing desperate ninja like moves to keep the door closed - not a pretty sight. But eventually I got sorted, and off I went to the pool.

Prior to tonight, every time I've been swimming I've wished that I had prescription goggles. It's such a pain trying to look up at the board to see how long you've been in the pool (I lose interest in exercising very quickly and find myself peering at the board, willing the minute hand on so that I can say I've done half an hour and get out of there), or trying to avoid collision with others in the pool (as nearly happened tonight, when I misread the lane swimming direction sign and was on a sure fire head on collision path with another lady in the pool, narrowly managing to miss her at the last minute as she loomed into vision). But actually tonight, I was glad I didn't have prescription goggles. This is because I think if I had've had them, I'd've been blinded.

I can understand that women of a certain size or shape might prefer a woman's only swimming sesh as they might be self conscious about their size, I mean, hey, I am. But that should transcend into what type of swimwear you use. And there's no doubt about it, women of a certain size or shape should not be wearing skimpy costumes. There's just no need for it, ladies, the 'muffin top' look is not a fashion statement, you are not on "Kath and Kim" and really, you should just put it away. All of it.

Anyway, I endeavoured to turn a blind eye to the mounds of flesh floating around me, and to be fair, that's really all they were doing - I was in the fast lane and I had to wait for the lady in front of me to practically reach the other end before I took off, or I would easily overtake her. And it's not like I'm a fast swimmer or anything - although, not wanting to blow my own trumpet, but I was 'Most Improved Swimmer' 1982 at Windsor State School, and I have been known on more than one (ok, ok, I admit it - several) occasions to kick some serious you-know-what-starting-with-an-a-and-rhyming-with-ask in the breaststroke - but you know, when someone is swimming at the speed of a dugong, it would take a miracle NOT to overtake them. My question therefore is, if there is a 'slow', 'medium' and a 'fast' lane - what the blazes sort of speed are they doing in the slow lane? I mean, these women make Eric Moussambani look like Ian Thorpe!

Anyway, I continued with my stop-start swimming, wondering if I would ever get my heart rate up, and then it happened. The women's only session ended and lickety-split, literally SECONDS later, a bloke who no joke looked like Kim Beazley but with less hair, and in a pair of DT's no less, appears and stands proudly to attention at the end of the pool, surveying the expanse of white whale-like flesh, before doing a spectacular belly flop into the pool in an attempt to look all manly and er, appealing. I'm sure this is the most female attention this bloke would've had all week, and such a shame that it was wasted - because no sooner had he got in, than a whole heap of women vacated his lane and literally flew to the other side of the pool and made a big circle, starting some sort of strange aqua aerobics type thing (which to be honest looked more like an extremely poor impersonation of Michael Jackson's moonwalk!).

This was therefore my cue to take my leave of the pool, wrestle again with the lockers and changing rooms... I mean, I couldn't really continue doing laps with Kim oogling me, now could I? A lucky escape...